Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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