Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
