i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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