Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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