I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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