My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
