I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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