i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
