i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
