i can't believe i had my finger in that
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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