You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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