We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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