A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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