On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
