he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
