if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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