Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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