he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
