I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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