i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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