Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
