Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.