i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.