someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you still have your period?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick