She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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