3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
