remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
