i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Alive.
So much puke
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
