your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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