my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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