It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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