Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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