well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
