If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
