I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
