So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
