I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
