I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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