my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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