Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
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Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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