every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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