i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
