I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
try to milk me bitch
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
