The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
