Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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