he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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