His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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