What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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