Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
