I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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