It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
