i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think we might need a safe word for this...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
