Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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