you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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