Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
