I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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